When Mind and Heart Clash

Today is February 12. Tomorrow will be Friday the 13th and the next will be Valentine’s Day which falls on Saturday for this year. I have classes for that day – algebra and accounting – and obviously, it will be a tough day for it’s a whole day of mathematics. Well honestly, I want to be busy that day because I want to forget the coldness that I am feeling right now. (?) I don’t know really if what’s happening to me. Maybe one of my good friends is correct. I may be a bitter.

I said to myself that I need to blog this thing which is right now I’m doing. I don’t care if someone reads this and will discover something about me, if this can make me feel even better then why not?

I must admit, I’ve been thinking of only one person for a couple of months now. I can’t forget that person. He’s been flashing in and out of my mind every now and then. But actually I rarely see him in school since I’ve met him. And I find him a bit mysterious that I’ve become interested about him. Oh no, is it another crush? Rushed crush? Well, maybe not because at first it didn’t came to me too obvious until I saw myself very happy whenever I spot him somewhere in the campus. I don’t want to entertain the idea but I can’t help it. I must be in a fairy land where I thought I could live happily ever after.

I’ve been emoting like this for a week. I’ve been going crazy for different thoughts of him come into my mind. I don’t know if this is right. Neither do I know what he’s thinking about me nor if he does even care about me. I’m going crazy and stupid. My friend says, I should stop because it’s not helping me at all. I always say to myself as well, “asa ka pa, as if naman may pag-asa talaga”. But he’s really getting into my nerves and I can’t take him out of my system. I feel like there’s something good ahead for the both of us but what is that, and how can it start if all I know is I am the one who’s been only dreaming of him all this time. Actually, he also appears in my dreams at night and I don’t want that because when I wake up in the morning I simply regret the fact that it’s only a dream. (!!!) I can’t take this feeling any longer (is that a song?). I am hurt by my stupid self thinking of and hoping for the things that won’t gonna happen. It hurts to see myself with an emotion that is so unbearable.

I’ve never been so helpless and hopeless before. I hate this feeling. But what can I do? Whenever he looks and smiles at me, all the shattered pieces of my heart bring back to its form and my despair suddenly turns into an unquantifiable joy. And I’ve never been so “abnormal” like this.

Can someone please tell me what is it that keeps me being like this? What do you call this thing? And please, can someone tell me if what I am feeling is right because it’s getting harder and harder for me. What can I do to simplify my feelings without telling him so? Is there any way? If this is just a plain crush, why am I feeling inexplicable emotions…?

I always ask myself, “when will I be happy?”